A coworker saw me walking through the hall at work the other day and asked me an odd question. She said, "why are you always tired; you seem like you have a lot on your plate?"
I never heard a question like that asked before and thought to myself that this woman must be nuts. She hardly even knows me to understand who I am or the things I do. But perhaps it is me that is the crazy one.
But the idea of not making room for me in my own life makes me realize that it could possibly be true. I lack sleep. My average amount of sleep a night is about 3 to 4 hours at most. Even when I want to sleep, my body has become so trained from years of doing the same things that I can't even get more sometimes if I tried. That is, unless I am dead tired and have no choice. Your body has a way of telling you that you need rest.
But now that I am getting older, it kind of makes sense that sleep is something I should be dedicating more of my time to. If I love and respect myself, then I deserve it. Also, I have responsibilities. Yet, even with all my responsibilities, I make sure to be fully present in body and in spirit wherever I am; at work, in my classes, while on stage or in my notebook writing, and when I'm with my peoples.
Yet, lack of sleep can be dangerous. Especially for a constant driver. It takes a second for your eyes to close behind the wheel and who knows when something like that can happen; God forbid. He has saved me from episodes like this and I am thankful to be here in the land of the living. But what if every outcome is not always a happily ever after one? And so, I realize it now; I am not superwoman and so must rearrange a few things.
So today, I tried my best to relax and let the rest in. I closed my eyes and then opened them and found myself enganged in the Soap Opera channel's marathon of General Hospital. I never watched that show before and today for the first time for some reason, I found interest in it. To get my mind off television, I tried to read and study for school but then my eyes fell tired again. Why is it that everytime I try to read, my eyes well up with sleep? Is this part of the lack of sleep thing?
I tried to close my eyes again and then caught myself indulging in games of Angrybirds that I only downloaded for my nephew to play. This also is something that I found myself immersed in for the first time and found comfort in it. There is always something that keeps me from sleeping; even the silliest of things.
Obviously, the sleep never truly kicked in. So then I decided to write. I came across an old notbook as I sat at my desk. Funny how, this notebook I used to write in back in 2004 still has some of the same ideas that I live with today.
The notebook like all my notebooks, even today, is full of poems and song lyrics. One of the poems in there spoke to me and made me realize who I am and who I've always been; a woman with a purpose. I retouched it a little to make it more relevant to today. I have learned that with any poem, it is a work in progress, like I am. Like I've always been. Even after years of a poem being written, words may not always be removed, but something can always be added to make it more you, like ideas. Like truths that are revealed from experience.
And so, here is the poem from one of my thousand and fifty-five notebooks; from 2004 and revisited for the first time since then and edited in 2012 entitled Simple Was:
Simple was the way
Until my childhood washed away
And bloomed before my life
A woman I became
Stained with memories of past
That reside within for everlast
My hopes and my dreams
They oft do change
My faith, I hold it to the grave
And hope to build
Yes I hope to build
My heart to purpose fill
The strength I need to keep
On the straight path
That shades me from defeat
And I’m a woman
And God built me strong
Like he intented to
Even when I'm right, even when I'm wrong
A woman with a purpose
And it’s worth it
For me to continue on
enhancing this beautiful song
the God wrote
(c) Stephanie Jeannot
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