We were young and innocent then. He was up in the cut making his presence known to all. I was guarded by the shadows all around me. Trying to not make it so obvious that I was bedazzled by him.
|Photo by Ricky Jean|
In the midst of life, we were meeting and in his gentle Philadelphian accent, he was speaking. He had a great gift for gab. He was also very comical and was good at making me laugh. He had beautiful curly hair, graying the soft black thickets of it with maturity. His body was firm, bold and as beautiful as a warm, summer fantasy. His hands were as soft as 1500 count sheets. He was definitely the cool breeze that was satisfying my mind in the heat.
Our worlds connected and my red, flushed face reflected that I wanted more than just the moment. Maybe I was absorbed in the essence of our connection but all I could remember asking was if he was married. Better to have played it safe than to later on skid on the road into a three is a crowd situation. Some guys pretend not to be, don’t wear a ring and pretend not to be someone else’s king with a family and happily married. Who wants to break up a happy home by accident when there are so manyhandsome and available men
out there that I can connect with? Ironically, he was available. Evidently, we both wanted more.
We settled on leaving that place to have dinner at a smoke house. The walls of the eatery were covered with portraits of jazz greats and music filled the oasis with light drum brush strokes and piano sprinkles. It was the perfect backdrop for the connection that was taking place. It is a moment that in my mind, I can honestly say may never be erased. He spoke like he had a sound education. I couldn’t help but smile at the situation. We left there talking about meeting up again. I was excited because I really liked him. Especially after seeing how much of a gentleman he was. But never judge a book by the appearance of a cover because after reading the book you might be left stumped.
Months passed and we had formed a relationship. I found comfort in his arms. Everysingle thing we did, to my world, he brought this sense of calm. I was not used to all the attention but I loved the way we were together. And for a second I thought that things could only get better. But I am not always right. But better to find out the truth early enough before we find out after all our lives.
I won’t say that you have to have everything in the world to be a happy person. You do not need riches to have joy in this world. I don’t need the weekly flowers that my ex used to give me. You don’t have to be a college professor with a wealth of intelligence to impress me. And you do not have to have a six pack and the sexiest of manly shoulders for in your arms to feel safe. And I won’t like you any less if we have to travel to our destinations by train. Besides, in New York City, you can get around anywhere without a car. I drive because I am spoiled and also have driving as a matter of the heart.
I have dealt with times in my past in situations when I did not drive. Everywhere I went, it was my ex who would give me a ride. He would come from far to the front of my door to pick me up to go to the next destination. And it always seemed that I was on his time, even if I was ready to leave that momentary situation. So I got my own whip and once I started driving it was like we started to drift. I no longer had to take the badgering of string of curses while he was giving me a lift. I started letting go of the love I had that was always seemed to be jealous. I could no longer take the arguments that always seemed like petty nonsense.
And now here we are years later, and again I entered into a bond where my guy’s voice was always raised. He would unleash this violent anger that always left me in a daze. We would be in a good place, traveling on small excursions into our future. But even in simple, happy moments he would furiously react over something menial and talk down to me with the most insulting of words.
My spirit started sinking into bankruptcy at his lack of respect for who I am. Selfishly intimate in bed and as my man, he was hard to be my friend. And to think I used to once melt in his arms like cheese on a grilled sandwich. I loved everything about him from his mellow voice to his arousing kiss. We would once wrap around each other like pretzels through the night. His chest was like my pillow and we intertwined around each other with delight.
We’d talk til the morning came about everything that the world had to offer. Then it came to a point where I would cry at the stress he put me under. Who complains about everything when there is nothing to bicker about? Who neglects the responsibilities they carry without being conscious of what comes out their mouth? Who gets mad at a person driving because they are not on your time? How could someone be so angry at the world that they are willing to push you into their miserable life? Who thinks that the moment they see their mate, it is to ask for money because they spent all theirs on drugs? Who claps to get the attention of someone whom they claim they love? Who decides to travel a hundred thousand miles but not tell their partner for how long? When does the one with the temper and demeaning attitude change to a new dance and song?
I had a little draw with stuff I could wear when I stayed there overnight. We’d relax in the midst of each other until the dawning of morning light. Then we’d ride our bikes out to Flatbush avenue in Brooklyn. But no longer could I approach the escalating tension with thin skin. After a silly argument, he took my clothes out the draw and put it in a bag. I took the bag and from that point on, I no longer wore his dawg tag.
I never thought this gentle, beautiful man could change my life for the worse. I never expected that that sexy man I once knew could lash his tongue at me til it hurt. But now when I relive the moments of the innocence when we were young. I realize in truth that I even though he touched my heart, he was not the one. All this is to say don’t rush into relationships just to have one. We often carry baggage from one to the next love. Baggage over baggage just adds drama and who needs it? You enter in and the drama from the past is what you will end up with. Sometimes healing is best so that for the future, you can better yourself. One thing is for sure; he definitely brought the heat that made my body melt.